There are a lot of unknowns about what your experience will be like as a foster parent. Even after initial training, you will encounter situations and circumstances you simply cannot prepare for. Still, there are ways to gain insight into this role that can help you prepare—things like talking, listening, and engaging with people who have already been through the process. I am not saying that any one person has it all figured out—each story is unique and not all lessons can be applied equally—but sharing personal experiences can lend some help to those new to the process.

One of the most important aspects of being a foster parent, in my opinion, is understanding and acknowledging your own biases. Even if you try your darndest to come to the table without any preconceived judgments, it is just not realistic to say that personal biases don’t exist—they do. Your life experiences, education, ethnicity, social status, gender, etc., all play a role in defining who are you and what you believe. That means, as you navigate the world of foster care, it is important you make a conscious effort to analyze how those biases may be impacting your actions or reactions to certain situations.

This practice can be extremely useful as you approach your relationship with a foster child’s biological parents. DON’T BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE. You have NO idea what someone else has been through and how that has led them to their current situation. Many of the challenges that biological parents face are not easy circumstances to overcome. I have personally met parents fighting with every ounce of strength they have, just to make ends meet, yet they still find themselves unable to move forward for reasons out of their control. That is not to say it is the case for everyone, but often times there is so much more going on behind the scenes than you realize.

All too often I hear of foster parents, both new and experienced, make assumptions about biological parents’ circumstances and intentions without having any evidence to back up their theory. Most often the conclusions drawn are not positive ones either. This can be extremely detrimental to your relationship with parents and with your foster children themselves. It also can hinder your foster child’s relationship with their parents, and the outcome of the overall situation. On the flip side, establishing a healthy relationship with biological parents can go along way in producing healing, connected, positive, and lasting relationship for all parties involved. (More on this in a future blog post.)

If there is one lesson to take away, it is that foster care is messy—it is like one big jigsaw puzzle with many missing pieces. You may think that you have the whole picture, but you don’t. This is one of the most frustrating parts of the system. It is SO important that you rely on the facts before doing or saying things that support a false narrative.

Now, once you DO have facts, by all means, take appropriate action to do what is in the best interest of your foster child. This is a cautionary note asking you to stop, think, evaluate, and learn. Ask questions—and lots of them! Be open and willing to listen. Check-in with yourself frequently and self-reflect. Participate in opportunities to foster relationships and to gain understanding. Finally, extend grace. The foster care system exposes some of the most intimate details of people’s lives—it is an extremely taxing process on top of recovery and change.

This lesson has implications for life well beyond just the foster care system. But this is one place I see a huge need for change. I hope this inspires you to look at your journey as a foster parent or to approach the one you’re about to start, with a little more love, forgiveness, and patience.

♥ Mandi A.