I had a breakdown this week—full on sobbing, ugly cry, cannot catch your breath, feeling a total loss of control. Yup, that happened. And believe me when I say, admitting it “out loud” makes me very uncomfortable. I am not one to share my emotions easily. However, I believe that if there is any hope of creating change for the future of our foster care system, being honest and bringing light to both the good and harsh realities that foster parents face, is a must.

So, what was the reason behind my emotional meltdown you might ask? Well, to some it may not seem like much. But, the fact of the matter is, there are many aspects of being a foster parent that do not get talked about—and they are harder to navigate than you may think. Often times there is a lot going on behind the scenes that cannot be shared. So although it may seem insignificant to you, there might be much more to the story. The next time you encounter a foster parent who seems to be struggling, I hope you will keep that in mind.

Okay, on to the matter of my breakdown. Due to the birth of my son, my husband and I took a slight break from accepting foster placements into our home. This past week though, after about a year since saying goodbye to our last kiddo, we said yes to the sweetest little one! Both my husband and I were incredibly excited to begin our foster care journey again. However, it quickly took an unexpected turn.

After just a few days of caring for this kiddo, and feeling like we were ready to settle in, with a very heavy heart we had to ask the department to find a new home for him. The moment that I hit send on that email, I felt like the biggest failure. Everything in me was questioning what I was doing and whether I was really cut out to be a foster parent. How could I turn away a child in need? Who does that?

The hardest part was knowing that it was not anything the child did. And it was not anything we did. It simply came down to the fact that as we gathered more information on the case, we realized that what we thought we knew, was very different from the actual situation. Unfortunately, this is most often the case when taking on new placements—you just do not have all the facts. While in many circumstances you can “roll with the punches,” it turned out that in this scenario we could not. It was not in the best interest of our family.  

It took a good deal of reflection, for me to come to terms with the fact that I was not a failure or a bad foster parent for making this choice. Believe me, I definitely beat myself up over it for a few days first. Actually, who am I kidding, I still have moments of guilt. That is why I am writing about this now though—because I know I am not the only foster parent who has had this experience or encountered a moment where they felt absolutely defeated. I also know, there are plenty of foster parents in the future who will be on the brink of needing to make a difficult decision like this and are hesitant.

Foster parents are silent heroes in my book—defending, protecting, and sacrificing for the greater good. And we like to believe that we can handle anything—after all, that is what superheroes do right? No foster parent wants to feel like they gave up or were somehow inadequate in their ability to care for a child. Still, if we are going to be brutally honest with ourselves, then we must acknowledge the fact that not every foster child is going to be a right fit for your family—but, that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

Sometimes you simply cannot control the circumstances. Sometimes, you try your hardest, give your best, and prepare for all possible situations, and it is still not enough. There are going to be times when despite your best efforts, you must learn to let go. In the end, being honest with yourself is ultimately what is best for both you and the child.

Here is the good news—even though a placement is not a good fit for your home, you have an opportunity to be a stepping stone to the one that is. If a placement is not working out, do not simply give up—that would not be the superhero thing to do, now would it? You can still do right by a foster child through advocating for them. Fight for them. Make note of what was not working in your home and use your voice to campaign for what that child needs and deserves. Create lists, write letters, include supplies and documentation, and pass along your personal information (if comfortable) to the next placement to help make the transition as smooth as possible. Check-in and be a support when you can.

Even the greatest superheroes have a vulnerability. Sometimes defending, protecting, and sacrificing means knowing when to ask for help and when to admit you cannot always fix it all. That is why we heroes must stick together—because together, maybe, just maybe, we can do it all.

♥ Mandi A.