The thought of losing a child is any parent’s worst nightmare. Yet, right from the beginning that is a potential that foster parents sign up for. Subjecting yourself to a life that requires you to give so much, and to know you will potentially endure significant heartache, is not is not necessarily a “logical” choice. So why then, do we do it?

After trying for so long to provide an explanation that I could articulate in words, I finally feel like I now know what to say. So here it is—my answer to that highly anticipated question, “How do you do it?”

Almost one year ago exactly, we said one of the hardest good-byes we will ever have to make. Since then, not a day has gone by that we have not thought about, and prayed over, the child we raised for almost two years. From the first moments we held in him our arms at the hospital, he stole our hearts, and we knew right then he would forever be a part of us. He may not have been our son biologically, but that is something you will quickly learn as a foster parent—it is not simply a child’s DNA that makes them family.

If that wasn’t enough, this past year had some other big moments in store for us—not only did we grieve the tragic loss of our foster son, but we also experienced one of the most profound moments life has to offer—the birth of our biological son. It was such a whirlwind of emotions that we navigated during a time when the world around us appeared to be falling into complete and utter chaos. Many would consider our actions justified if we had decided to simply call it quits as foster parents. Yet, here we are today finding ourselves once again patiently waiting for God to bring another foster child into our home.

These last twelve months have caused me at times to ask the very same question of ourselves that we so often hear from others, “How do we do it? And how can you do it? How does one find the strength, courage, and perseverance to voluntarily carry on with a job that is without a doubt painful and so unpredictable?”

For so long I was searching for an elaborate and well-thought out response. But the truth is, the answer is simple really—you have a why. You have a reason to wake up in the morning after those nights you find yourself crying in the shower, yelling into your pillow, or laying awake because you cannot breath from the anxiety that is crushing you. You have something to inspire hope in you those days that bio parents don’t show up for visits—again, you get a call from the school that your child didn’t show up for class—again, or the times that you spend your entire day making phone calls, writing reports, or driving around to appointments—again—to make sure that your child is getting all the care they need. You have something that motivates you as you navigate traumas, mental health or substance abuse concerns, or a host of other challenges that foster children are so often affected by. You have a purpose to get back up again when trying to pick up the pieces after processing and grieving the loss of a child—all the while knowing that you will happily do it all over again.

(Now, please do not make the mistake of thinking foster care only involves heartbreak or troubled kids—the sheer number of beautiful, transformational, and joyous moments of being a foster parent far outweigh these tough times. However, the reality is that it is difficult. And well, the hard parts, can be an extremely heavy weight to carry.)

Every foster parent I know has something that makes it possible for them to keep on fighting when the grief, pain, and heartache try to consume them. It is this thing, and only this, that makes the work of being a foster parent possible. So, what was once a simple explanation to your question, now becomes a bit more complicated. I realized that the answer to, “How?” is not so easy to articulate because everyone’s why is different. While some choose the path of foster care, others are drawn in because of circumstances outside their control. For some it is with a hope to grow their family, for others a way to give back, or for some to step into the role of parenthood for children who have lost theirs. The reasons are diverse. But in the end, what is true for all foster parents is that there is a purpose behind their choice to continue the journey.  

As I have watched the world spiral this past year, one thing has become very clear to me—we can do better, and our children deserve more. I personally began my role as a foster parent because of a dream—to change a life. It has been at the top of my bucket list for as long as I can remember. And after having experienced the world of foster care first from a professional side, I knew this impact I wanted to make was possible by personally pursuing the role of a foster parent. What I never could have predicated however, was that the chance to create change in one child’s life, also had the possibility to transform the lives of many.

The day we said good-bye to our foster son was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. And yet, my heart could not be fuller knowing that our farewell also meant that a home that was once broken, was now being rebuilt. Relationships that had been lost were now being restored. And a life that would have begun on a very dark path, would forever be brighter because of the stable, loving home we were able to provide for a child in need. Although my why began with a single dream of changing a life, it has since evolved into something much bigger. I believe with my whole heart that I have been blessed with a purpose in this life to fight for a greater future through my work as a foster parent. I now know that my role as a mama has the potential to touch lives well beyond just the children in our home. And sometimes all it takes is a small spark to ignite a big flame.

So, to anyone considering becoming a foster parent, I urge you to ask yourself, “Why?” If there is a burning desire in your heart, even if you cannot quite explain it, trust in that feeling. Do your research, ask too many questions, read the books or the articles, talk to as many fellow foster parents as you can, and figure out your reason. Ultimately, it is your why that will be your means of survival through an experience that will test your limits time and time again. But with it, you can do powerful things.

♥ Mandi A.